The beginning
Today marks the beginning of a journey. It has taken a lot of hurt, a lot of mental suffering, shame, and lack of willpower to make me realize that I need to change. I finally know what it is that I have. Let me explain from the furthest back I can remember.
When I was younger my mom used to make me finish everything that was on my plate. Regardless of how full I was everything had to be eaten. Vegetable, chicken, bread, tortillas, and soup. Why? I ask myself that now looking back. We grew up poor and in a Latin culture in America, we ate what mama made. I remember several instances where my mom force fed me. She made me open my mouth and shoved peas, green beans, carne, and other food down. Sometimes I would heave and want to vomit, but I knew that if I would, I would be in even bigger trouble.
Fast forward a few years, I began developing and getting a little fatter than normal. I was always told at the time by my family that I was getting Gorda and I needed to lay off the food. I did eat a lot of junk as well. My early teen years were spent hanging out with my friends- eating hot cheetos, drinking dr. pepper, and eating candy. My friends lived next to a family owned mexican convenience store and we would eat junk whenever we could. It was fun! haha
At around 14 and 15 I remember the atkins diet became very popular and so I decided to try. To my amazement, it worked! I lost like 7 pounds in the first week... but as almost all diet fads- I didn't keep it up and I gained it all back plus some. I bounced around and tried different diets. I remember trying to fit in into the smallest size jeans. When I was 14 I was wearing size 14. I was over a 36c bra and I weighed somewhere around 170 pounds.
My heaviest in high school was around 180 and in college I got to be just over 200 lbs and size 16. College was hard because I was even more poor. I had to survive mostly on my own. I had money to buy groceries, but if I wanted to eat super healthy, I wouldn't have enough for the rest of the week.
I survived on top ramen, cereal, rice and cream of chicken, and sandwiches. I got chubby, then I got my butt into gear and lost weight, then ate and ate, gained it back... repeat, repeat, repeat.
When I got married I lost a bit of weight so I could fit into my dress. I was still a size 14/16 and weighed somewhere in the low to mid 190's. I'm so glad that my husband loved me for who I was and not for my size.
Being married, I gained weight steadily. When I was pregnant with Ben I gained over 40 pounds throughout the pregnancy. I remembered weighing 250 lbs after having the baby. I was the fattest I have ever been. AND, I hadn't even realized how fat I had gotten. No one said anything and so I was fine with it.
I joined a weight loss group on campus. I learned so much. IT finally clicked, I decreased my portion sizes and I exercised. I actually made it a habit. Despite only losing about 10 pounds in 3 months, I still maintained to exercise and lose weight. I do remember eating a lot of Fongs (fast food chinese in Rexburg). I do remember always stuffing myself. Stuffing myself is still a problem today. I don't seem to know when to stop eating. I just eat and eat until I get stuffed. My mom would even have to hide the chocolate around the house because I would eat and finish it all. I even remember hunting through the house, opening drawers, checking cabinets, looking through the pantry to get my fix.
After a good year and a half, I managed to get down to about 160 pounds and size 10. I have maintained this weight (mostly). I joined crossfit in late 2013. I weighed around 158. I had no muscle mass. Throughout the last 4 years I have gained a lot of muscle (over 10 pounds of muscle).
Even though I am SO strong now. I haven't managed to get lower than 155. I still have a lot of fat to lose.'
Over the last 3 months I have been doing a lot of binge eating. and I have gotten to 175. I feel like crap. Also, being a little heavier also prevents me from doing a lot of advanced crossfit moves. (muscle ups, pull ups, handstand push ups, etc)
I want to achieve my goals this next year!! I'm sick of over eating!!!! This has to stop. NOW.
When I was younger my mom used to make me finish everything that was on my plate. Regardless of how full I was everything had to be eaten. Vegetable, chicken, bread, tortillas, and soup. Why? I ask myself that now looking back. We grew up poor and in a Latin culture in America, we ate what mama made. I remember several instances where my mom force fed me. She made me open my mouth and shoved peas, green beans, carne, and other food down. Sometimes I would heave and want to vomit, but I knew that if I would, I would be in even bigger trouble.
Fast forward a few years, I began developing and getting a little fatter than normal. I was always told at the time by my family that I was getting Gorda and I needed to lay off the food. I did eat a lot of junk as well. My early teen years were spent hanging out with my friends- eating hot cheetos, drinking dr. pepper, and eating candy. My friends lived next to a family owned mexican convenience store and we would eat junk whenever we could. It was fun! haha
At around 14 and 15 I remember the atkins diet became very popular and so I decided to try. To my amazement, it worked! I lost like 7 pounds in the first week... but as almost all diet fads- I didn't keep it up and I gained it all back plus some. I bounced around and tried different diets. I remember trying to fit in into the smallest size jeans. When I was 14 I was wearing size 14. I was over a 36c bra and I weighed somewhere around 170 pounds.
My heaviest in high school was around 180 and in college I got to be just over 200 lbs and size 16. College was hard because I was even more poor. I had to survive mostly on my own. I had money to buy groceries, but if I wanted to eat super healthy, I wouldn't have enough for the rest of the week.
I survived on top ramen, cereal, rice and cream of chicken, and sandwiches. I got chubby, then I got my butt into gear and lost weight, then ate and ate, gained it back... repeat, repeat, repeat.
When I got married I lost a bit of weight so I could fit into my dress. I was still a size 14/16 and weighed somewhere in the low to mid 190's. I'm so glad that my husband loved me for who I was and not for my size.
Being married, I gained weight steadily. When I was pregnant with Ben I gained over 40 pounds throughout the pregnancy. I remembered weighing 250 lbs after having the baby. I was the fattest I have ever been. AND, I hadn't even realized how fat I had gotten. No one said anything and so I was fine with it.
I joined a weight loss group on campus. I learned so much. IT finally clicked, I decreased my portion sizes and I exercised. I actually made it a habit. Despite only losing about 10 pounds in 3 months, I still maintained to exercise and lose weight. I do remember eating a lot of Fongs (fast food chinese in Rexburg). I do remember always stuffing myself. Stuffing myself is still a problem today. I don't seem to know when to stop eating. I just eat and eat until I get stuffed. My mom would even have to hide the chocolate around the house because I would eat and finish it all. I even remember hunting through the house, opening drawers, checking cabinets, looking through the pantry to get my fix.
After a good year and a half, I managed to get down to about 160 pounds and size 10. I have maintained this weight (mostly). I joined crossfit in late 2013. I weighed around 158. I had no muscle mass. Throughout the last 4 years I have gained a lot of muscle (over 10 pounds of muscle).
Even though I am SO strong now. I haven't managed to get lower than 155. I still have a lot of fat to lose.'
Over the last 3 months I have been doing a lot of binge eating. and I have gotten to 175. I feel like crap. Also, being a little heavier also prevents me from doing a lot of advanced crossfit moves. (muscle ups, pull ups, handstand push ups, etc)
I want to achieve my goals this next year!! I'm sick of over eating!!!! This has to stop. NOW.
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